Bipolar Bliss n' Blues

This is my personal fufillment/journal diary blog. I am bi-polar and sometimes its a little hard to sort out all that craziness, the feelings, the rush of emotions. This is my sanctuary. Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. Lets see if I grow up to BE someone! Or... fade into the background like a wilted orchid. Once beautiful, now overshadowed by others in vibrance and ambition. Like minded souls, let us share in each others wisdom, celebrate life's victories, and support each other whenever we stumble.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Call me Crazy, Call me Whatever You Want. I'm Good with It

Revel in your craziness. Don't try to fight it. Your fucking "crazy" right?

If we define crazy as observing behaviors outside of the societal view of what it normal and appropriate, than we are ALL crazy. My craziness makes me unique. My craziness is hyper thoughts, irrational feelings, impulsive behavior, inability to understand/comprehend/concentrate due to emotional/mood deterrences, wreckless passion, ability to think outside the box, remembering stupid little details about something/someone/somewhere that don't matter to anyone else but me- or my trivia night team. Etc. You can kind of get the idea. All these things that are part of who I am and what I do could very easily get me labeled "crazy." We are judged so often by what we think, feel and say; how we dress, our height, various physical attributes; our friends, the people we hang around, the activities we enjoy. When I catch myself doing this, I want to punch myself. Who the hell are we to judge, label and categorize what we think is "normal"? We all do different things! No one is the same (thank god!). People doing things we don't understand- well, chalk it up to ignorance, on their part AND my part. Can't we just say the crazy person is just kind of weird?


 Yes and No. Does it work the other way around? The Weird person is just crazy? I don't like that. I don't think it works. If your weird, than your weird. I like to think of it as quirky. I feel like you have more control over yourself when you are weird. When you are CRAZY however, It is that lack of control that defines your behavior, thoughts and actions. For me, CRAZY= out of control. Beyond my own help.
Sometimes its fun to be crazy, to be manic or even hypo-manic, there have been stagesof unmeasurable delight I wish everyone could experience. I was afraid, once I started meds after my diagnosis, I would lose all that. I was afraid I would be dead inside. A drone on the outside.

The reality is unlike anything I could have ever hoped for, as long as my medications are not generic AND well regulated. I have become very good at taking my meds at certain times of the day, in a certain order. I even carry a backup mini kit of my pills just-in-case I stay at a certain person's house that night.. (ahem.).. I know what will happen if I don't take my meds. I know what will happen if I don't take them consistantly or I take them with a different filler. Mainly, the end result is my life crashing down over my head because I've either been to manic to slow down, or too depressive to start anything. The sad part is in not knowing this until it has already happened. At least now I'm better at recognizing the signs earlier than I used to- if I did at all. I start noticing changes, events, strange desicions/thought, or lack of activity after almost a week. It used to be a two-three week bender, usually most of which I can't tell you why I did what I did. I couldn't tell you it made me feel good or bad. It just made me feel. Sometimes that is better than allowing yourself to become numb through routine and comfort. Now, I just say, I'm feeling a little "off". Then, I hope it goes away. My family and my closest friends are aware so, if I don't snap out of it or things progressively get worse, they keeps tabs on me and make sure I'm okay. Its nice to have people that love you, that care about you like that.

No comments:

Post a Comment