I am the fallen angel. I am passionate. I am crazy. This is me, trying to figure out life.
Bipolar Bliss n' Blues
This is my personal fufillment/journal diary blog. I am bi-polar and sometimes its a little hard to sort out all that craziness, the feelings, the rush of emotions. This is my sanctuary. Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. Lets see if I grow up to BE someone! Or... fade into the background like a wilted orchid. Once beautiful, now overshadowed by others in vibrance and ambition. Like minded souls, let us share in each others wisdom, celebrate life's victories, and support each other whenever we stumble.
It's marketed as, "The only film about schizophrenia ever made by someone with schizophrenia." I'm excited to see it. I'm excited for others to see it. This is real life! This is 10 years in the life of John Cadigan, from the time he had his first psychotic break when he was 21, into his years of the recovery process. A Beautiful Mind was a great film, but it was NOT a documentary. It was based on a real person, but it was given the 100 million dollar hollywood treatment. I don't think there is a lot of whitewashing, smoothing over-details, fact fudging found here. Its raw.
Revel in your craziness. Don't try to fight it. Your fucking "crazy" right?
If we define crazy as observing behaviors outside of the societal view of what it normal and appropriate, than we are ALL crazy. My craziness makes me unique. My craziness is hyper thoughts, irrational feelings, impulsive behavior, inability to understand/comprehend/concentrate due to emotional/mood deterrences, wreckless passion, ability to think outside the box, remembering stupid little details about something/someone/somewhere that don't matter to anyone else but me- or my trivia night team. Etc. You can kind of get the idea. All these things that are part of who I am and what I do could very easily get me labeled "crazy." We are judged so often by what we think, feel and say; how we dress, our height, various physical attributes; our friends, the people we hang around, the activities we enjoy. When I catch myself doing this, I want to punch myself. Who the hell are we to judge, label and categorize what we think is "normal"? We all do different things! No one is the same (thank god!). People doing things we don't understand- well, chalk it up to ignorance, on their part AND my part. Can't we just say the crazy person is just kind of weird?
Yes and No. Does it work the other way around? The Weird person is just crazy? I don't like that. I don't think it works. If your weird, than your weird. I like to think of it as quirky. I feel like you have more control over yourself when you are weird. When you are CRAZY however, It is that lack of control that defines your behavior, thoughts and actions. For me, CRAZY= out of control. Beyond my own help.
How The Government really works when you are undergraduate adult college student suffering/recovering from a mental/mood disorder and you need some money for food.
I spent a good majority of today trying to find VOC Rehab in Burlington, VT. The official government sites, The department of Mental Health, Human Services AND Social Security all have Vermont's VOC Rehab (short for Vocational Rehabilitation) listed as: http://www.vocrehabvermont.org/. I have no idea when the last official "update" to any of their sites were, but I have a feeling someone is lying when they say "last updated April 16th, 2010," or something to that extent. We all know the government can hire some lazy, ignorant and unfeeling individuals for jobs that require more than what they are willing to give. Its nice that as long as they arrive at work on time, they are allowed to keep their jobs. Even if they suck at them. Even if they don't really care about the job they are performing or the people they are interacting with/assisting. I picture a doughy, fairly well dressed individual with a high sense of self and a general cloud of unawareness floating above their heads.
Today I see the cloud floating while the government agent takes a nap at their desk. Feet stretched out in front of them, resting comfortably on a semi-cluttered desk. That's what I picture TC as when I close my eyes. She works at the Department for Children and Family Services in Burlington, VT. Unfortunately, she seems to be the only one who can make appointments for you when you are seeking food stamps/financial assistance. I say unfortunately because I had the pleasure of meeting her ONCE, the first time she denied me food stamps because I was- GET THIS- going to school.
"As a student, you are required to work at least 20 hours part time while you are enrolled in college."
"Um.. I'm on unemployment. I've been trying to get a job. There aren't any. I'm still waiting to hear back from workstudy at CCV.."
"Oh, well... I'm sorry we can't help you. You have to be working 20 hours in order to recieve benefits."