Bipolar Bliss n' Blues

This is my personal fufillment/journal diary blog. I am bi-polar and sometimes its a little hard to sort out all that craziness, the feelings, the rush of emotions. This is my sanctuary. Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. Lets see if I grow up to BE someone! Or... fade into the background like a wilted orchid. Once beautiful, now overshadowed by others in vibrance and ambition. Like minded souls, let us share in each others wisdom, celebrate life's victories, and support each other whenever we stumble.

Friday, April 2, 2010

I Feel Myself Slipping Away

Bipolar Disconnect. Is it Happening to Me again?

Potential Emotional Trigger Culprits (since January)

  • Overwhelmed w/ school work

  • problems w/ VHAP unable to continue therapy and medication

  • My beloved Tante Cecile died of cancer less than a month after they found the brain tumor

  • missed a lot of class and for that reason alone,will not pass this semester

  • unemployed (still)

  • can't get organized enough to keep track of resumes, cover letters, mailings, emails

  • fair hearing trial for continuing healthcare

  • boy trouble/relationships/status/multiple suitor stuff

I'm trying to keep track of the many possible elements that have led to me slipping back into a state of idleness and depression. I question whether or not its medication related, seasonal, affected by stressful aspects of my love life perhaps? I'm love someone... Shouldn't I be happy? I feel drained and uninterested in the little things in life that usually give me such pleasure. I have no energy. Perhaps its diet related? I don't know... I just know that I feel sad. Its different than how I felt when I was on generic adderal and my mind wouldn't shut up. Now I feel hyperfocused on shit that doesn't matter. Like surfing the web, starting my homework on paper but not finishing it, watching the Big Bang Theory.

Day before yesterday, I felt a little better. I made myself go outside, worked on researching my 10 page paper on America outsourcing its Financial aid, hung out with friends.. etc. Yesterday, same thing except didn't work on homework. Why? I don't know. My brain was tired. I felt listless and depressed. I feel like crying even now... what the hell is wrong with me? I'm okay financially for the first time in YEARS, I have two beautiful cats, great friends, loving parents.. I'm finally back on the right meds and yet... I feel sad and hopeless. I need help again and I'm broken hearted that it seems like my meds aren't working anymore. I keep thinking this will pass...

that I will break away from my apartment and enjoy some alone time. It never manifests. I think about it, almost as if its going to happen, and then I don't do it. The heart wants to, the head wants to... but the body aint doing it. Its like I'm fighting with myself and I'm frustrated I am nnot in control. I am not winning. I need to figure out why and get back on track. When you can't organize your life and you don't have the focus, the heart to do what you need to do, who can help you? I will call my parents tonite. I will go over there. Monday, I will call my therapist. Something is wrong and I don't know if it will go away, or linger around, ruining various aspects of my life. I just can't help thinking... I want to be normal! Why can't I be the way I am on a good day? In control, smiling, happy, creative and free spirited.. where does that go when it gets replaced by this listless, crying, unfocused, messy monster? Where does my soul go when my heart acts like it doesn't care anymore?

Mostly, I think its the dissappointment I feel within, towards myself, that I missed promoworks demo last weekend AND I'm failing my class/buried in homework. I've tried so hard and its discouraging when you do try... but you can't keep it up. So you fail, over and over again.

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