Bipolar Bliss n' Blues

This is my personal fufillment/journal diary blog. I am bi-polar and sometimes its a little hard to sort out all that craziness, the feelings, the rush of emotions. This is my sanctuary. Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. Lets see if I grow up to BE someone! Or... fade into the background like a wilted orchid. Once beautiful, now overshadowed by others in vibrance and ambition. Like minded souls, let us share in each others wisdom, celebrate life's victories, and support each other whenever we stumble.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Food For thought

Took a test on and here are the results:

You may feel as though you have a bull’s-eye on your back that says, “Calling all commitmentphobes!” – but here’s the thing:
the law of attraction is a powerful concept.
If you believe that commitmentphobes are the only kind of people who find you, you’re more likely to draw them into your life.
It’s perfectly acceptable to be discerning, to turn down a date with someone because you get a commitmentphobe vibe, to say no to the commitmentphobe who keeps popping back into your life. (like the ex-boyfriend that broke your heart... move AWAY please!)

You don’t have to try so hard to make a relationship appear out of thin air, and you don’t have to assume that just because someone comes into your life it’s a situation or relationship that’s meant to be.
-(i agree w/ the concept a relationship should be easy. Especially in the begining. Why bother getting to know someone on a deeper level when he/she causes you anxiety during the first few months of your relationship? Later, if you bothered to stick with them, you are inevitably going to hit a lot of "love bumps." How else are you supposed to get to know someone and love them for who they are? I don't want to keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. DROP it now, right in front of me, and we'll see how we do. Hey, I'll drop mine on the first date. There are no secrets with me besides what I hide from myself...)

You always have a say in how your relationships start and end – you can make a conscious effort to choose the kind of person you want to be with.
-(bi-polar people don't always have "a say". Our moods control us. It makes us do some pretty crazy things, like fall in love with a bad boy, or leave a four year relationship on a whim)

Perhaps you’re indifferent to the five stages of dating. (huh? what's that? I have the five-date rule now but five stages..?)You may be so disillusioned at this point that you think everyone is stuck in uncertainty, that you’re doomed to never get to exclusivity and beyond.(because who wants to get their heart broken- again? it hurts!) But you can. The question is this – are you sabotaging yourself? (yes! always!)You could be a commitmentphobe in a commitment-friendly person’s clothing. Coaches can help you with your skills of introspection so you can find some solid ground. (like a therapist? yeah i have one of those...)

So, basically, I attract Commitmentphobes. I don't actively going looking for them (or any guy really) but somehow, they find me. It goes along with what my therapist said, that I attract men who are more fucked up than I am. That is saying a lot too, because I am pretty fucked up when it comes to my emotions. Is it possible that I really AM a commitment-phobe myself but i come in a commitment-friendly package? I do live in a fairly hectic world of dellusion while I'm dating and deny that I have any feelings beyond animalistic and friendly. I know, deep down I am in love with love. I do want it. I do miss it.

I fear when love hits me, I fear when someone loves me, I fear titles and I fear beginings because they always lead to an end somewhere down the road. If commitment-phobes are all about FEAR, than maybe I am one, because I can't trust any guy not to break my heart again... and I can't trust myself to not get bored and sub-conciously try to sabbotage a perfectly good relationship. I am not a drama queen. I try to just be mellow and happy-go-lucky, hug people and be there when my friends need a shoulder to cry on. Drama finds me.

If it's intensity/instant attraction I am a goner because I am an intensity junkie. There is nothing quite like not knowing how to control these intense feelings in your body, intense thoughts in your head... as long as they are positive. That's the thing though... they never stay that way. Being bipolar is like being on a quest to find the never ending world of intensity. Where its Hypomania times 100. And there is no crashing point. You just stay up because you'll never be bored, you are always inspired and you love and are loved.

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